Jul 18 2014 : Mirror (Pune)
HOW TO FIND INDIAN LOVE - Emotional Efficiency
BY PAROMITA VOHRA
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Love has never been a very submissive character, but perhaps we might be in an era where it is being tamed. And its potential vanquisher is a new way of being: Emotional Efficiency.Are you cautious in romance to the point of being constantly guarded? Do you always leave a situation before it gets messy? Do you carefully calibrate your romantic interactions to ensure things go smoothly for you and you are not drawn into uncomfortable situations? Do you often say -I don't want to make any false promises? Are you quick to move on? Then, I guess, you are an emotionally efficient person.
Most conversations about love nowadays seem very sensible.
For example, K, a 28-year-old designer is seeing a woman from another city. When we meet I demand details. I get a matter-of-fact account followed by a risk assessment. We're taking one day at a time. We'll see where it goes. We're so different you know. There is no fanciful talk of fantasy, foolish smiles, heartache, missing and longing, but instead, a kind of admirable control, understanding and well, sensibleness.
I run into A, a 23-year-old software professional, and ask her how things are going with her new boyfriend. “Oh, we're not seeing each other,“ she tells me -we enjoyed really different things, so we thought it's better to part ways.
What fault can one find with such amicability! Looks like here's a sophisticated generation, which is going to be friends with all its exes. No scenes, no fuss, no false expectations, less hurt, less baggage, less toxicity. It's enviable compared to the complete loss of control and dignity, frequent encounters with humiliation and unfairness that once were part and parcel of the love thing.
No wastage here, only efficient composure. Where has this efficiency come from? My friend S, a 55year-old filmmaker, thinks it's because the relationship between the genders today is much more collegial and friendly -more `matey' he calls it. His 24-year-old daughter has been staying over at various male friends' houses to watch the recent football matches, and parents feel it's no more loaded than any old-fashioned pyjama party. So perhaps this friendship has translated into kinder romantic relationships? Also, we no longer think love happens just once, and is for keeps, so perhaps we enter and exit relationships without too much hoo ha, which is obviously A Good Thing.
But some of this being sensible about relationships also comes from a world of self-preservation, rather than kindness and fairness. We live in times where we think constantly of our progress in the world -networking, moving ahead in one's career, success of a certain type. We don't want to waste time on what does not present its immediate usefulness in these linear goals. Relationships too must conform to the imperatives of this new world.
We think -will this relationship destabilise me in some way and make me lose focus? In that case better to get out before things get sticky. We efficiently slice and dice our emotions till they add up neatly so we can insure ourselves against every risk.
The flipside of emotional efficiency is that we become increasingly unable to deal with emotional challenges. We grow more spiritually secluded, become less emotionally resilient. Love's so-called inefficiencies are a lesson in regeneration. They show us that it is possible to feel devastated -to become decomposed in a sense -and yet renew and reinvent ourselves in glorious ways, whether together or alone. In protecting ourselves from expected hurts, we may deprive ourselves of unexpected joys. You can write to Paromita Vohra at punemirror.feedback@gmail.com
Most conversations about love nowadays seem very sensible.
For example, K, a 28-year-old designer is seeing a woman from another city. When we meet I demand details. I get a matter-of-fact account followed by a risk assessment. We're taking one day at a time. We'll see where it goes. We're so different you know. There is no fanciful talk of fantasy, foolish smiles, heartache, missing and longing, but instead, a kind of admirable control, understanding and well, sensibleness.
I run into A, a 23-year-old software professional, and ask her how things are going with her new boyfriend. “Oh, we're not seeing each other,“ she tells me -we enjoyed really different things, so we thought it's better to part ways.
What fault can one find with such amicability! Looks like here's a sophisticated generation, which is going to be friends with all its exes. No scenes, no fuss, no false expectations, less hurt, less baggage, less toxicity. It's enviable compared to the complete loss of control and dignity, frequent encounters with humiliation and unfairness that once were part and parcel of the love thing.
No wastage here, only efficient composure. Where has this efficiency come from? My friend S, a 55year-old filmmaker, thinks it's because the relationship between the genders today is much more collegial and friendly -more `matey' he calls it. His 24-year-old daughter has been staying over at various male friends' houses to watch the recent football matches, and parents feel it's no more loaded than any old-fashioned pyjama party. So perhaps this friendship has translated into kinder romantic relationships? Also, we no longer think love happens just once, and is for keeps, so perhaps we enter and exit relationships without too much hoo ha, which is obviously A Good Thing.
But some of this being sensible about relationships also comes from a world of self-preservation, rather than kindness and fairness. We live in times where we think constantly of our progress in the world -networking, moving ahead in one's career, success of a certain type. We don't want to waste time on what does not present its immediate usefulness in these linear goals. Relationships too must conform to the imperatives of this new world.
We think -will this relationship destabilise me in some way and make me lose focus? In that case better to get out before things get sticky. We efficiently slice and dice our emotions till they add up neatly so we can insure ourselves against every risk.
The flipside of emotional efficiency is that we become increasingly unable to deal with emotional challenges. We grow more spiritually secluded, become less emotionally resilient. Love's so-called inefficiencies are a lesson in regeneration. They show us that it is possible to feel devastated -to become decomposed in a sense -and yet renew and reinvent ourselves in glorious ways, whether together or alone. In protecting ourselves from expected hurts, we may deprive ourselves of unexpected joys. You can write to Paromita Vohra at punemirror.feedback@gmail.com
