Flip side of success
They always want to be at the top and pay heavily for it. What can overachievers do to handle the pressure?
They are the students who stay back after class and bombard their teacher with a million doubts. They spend all their time with their noses stuck in a textbook, preparing relentlessly for exams that are months away. Always ahead of their class, they are proud and vulnerable at the same time, pushing themselves to succeed. The fear of failure is their worst nightmare and they do all they can to avoid it. But what happens when overachievers fail?
From the time children are first admitted to schools, the system teaches them to strive only for the top position. Anything less is unacceptable. Caught between the pressure from school, family and their own expectations, achievers often lead isolated lives. Sriram Naganathan, the southern India coordinator for IGNUS ERG, an initiative that aims at improving the quality of education from pre-school to upper primary levels, talks about keeping ‘the top slot’. “Everyone aims for the top slot, whether it is in academics or in life. It is a question of competing to win a prize. The problem is that once someone gets into that slot, any move side-ways or below is not allowed. It is as if he has to hold on to it for life,” he explains. Quoting a psychiatrist friend in Mumbai, who told his son never to come first in school, Sriram says: “He said it was enough to have the confidence that one can top if necessary. The immediate effect of success is performance anxiety and children don’t have the psychological maturity to handle it.”
For most achievers who have spent some time in the limelight, it becomes difficult to become a part of the pack again. Success becomes not only their permanent goal but also their identity. “The problem begins with anxiety and ends in depression,” says counselling psychologist Vasuki Mathivanan. “If the achiever is able to cope up with a negative situation and look at resolving it, then it is alright. But most of them don’t know how to handle their emotions. So, when they don’t succeed, they take it personally and think they are a failure. These children have high levels of motivation; but when they face failure, they feel very inadequate and vulnerable. This puts them under a lot of pressure.”
In colleges too, achievers often end up bearing the brunt of expectations, says Vidya Padmanabhan, assistant professor at the department of journalism at MOP Vaishnav College for Women. “ During teamwork, they are expected to step up and fill the gaps left by the underperformers. Whether it is to photocopy notes or to perform an administrative task for the class, teachers invariably turn to them,” she says. And on occasions when they slip up, even the most well-intentioned teacher tends to say, “I did not expect this of you.”
Fingers in every pie
She also points out that these students want to be a part of everything — being the president of the drama club, English club and the department club, while taking Spanish and violin lessons, besides, of course, academic work. Naturally, they are unavailable for one or the other activity at some crucial moments, which can create a bad impression. “I have seen instances of high-achieving students being so emotionally fragile that they would end up in tears if they were told they did not answer a particular question properly in an exam. There are, of course, exceptional high-achievers who are able to manage everything perfectly, but, as the saying goes, it's lonely at the top,” she says.
Most of these achievers are willing to give up their social lives in order to stay there. “Overexerting one-self may come at a social cost. For instance, a student may be unable to join her friends for a movie because she is committed to delivering an assignment on deadline. It is a price she may be willing to pay,” says Vidya. Sriram agrees, “The social problems aren’t long-term. But in school, these children lose out on the pleasures of childhood. There is a trade-off between success and happiness, and if you have to succeed, you have to bear with it. ”
Vasuki talks about the role a parent must play in these situations. “There are some clear symptoms when you see that the stress is getting to them. When this happens, the parent must play the role of an encourager and not a disciplinarian. These children know praise but not encouragement. Teach them to have SMART goals — specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and time-bound,” she says. To this, Vidya adds, “I would say allowing yourself to fail occasionally gives you a breather from the feverish expectations of others and allows you to focus your attention and talent on what really matters to you. As they say, don't sweat the small stuff.”
