Jan 21 2015 : The Times of India (Delhi)
Who's responsible for the filthy Indian
Vikramjit Singh
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This piece is not about Shakti Kapoor. My muses tend to be way classier. Like Raza Murad.In the 28 years of my life, I've gone from being a baby to a toddler to a boy to a man who wonders why the `h' is silent in `honest'. I've gone from keeping toffee wrappers in my pant pockets to throwing coffee cups on the pavement. But there's one thing that has remained the same: the towel has stayed on the bathroom floor, much to the chagrin of the women in my life, especially my maid. Not to be confused with Shiney Ahuja's maid. And I know I'm not the only one.
Yes, we Indian men are litterbugs. But none of it is our fault. To begin with, it's our moms' fault. Out of all the overwhelming love in their hearts, they picked up the towel the first time we left it on the floor. Later, we just threw in the towel and moved on to more life-altering things like trigonometry . And our dads, also Indian men by sheer coincidence, never cared about towels. They were too busy working hard to put food on the table. Even if they never actually helped out in putting food on the table.
Let's face it, we love creating a mess and letting our moms do the cleaning up. Look at Rahul Gandhi's career and you'll see what I mean. In sharp contrast, there's Narendra Modi's `Swachh Bhaarat' drive. You think he could've done it while living with his mom? No way! Chances are, if the old lady got wind of it even now, she'd be like `Haaye how can mera baccha carry a broom?!' Yes, there are tissues, half-eaten burgers, pizza boxes and empty Coke bottles just round every corner. But that, again, is not our fault. As is fashionable to suggest these days, it's Manmohan Singh's fault. Why did he have to allow liberalization that brought these western fast-food chains that spoilt Indian culture, Indian roads and Indian crows' digestive systems?
But that's not even the worst of it. The other day , during my morning run, I saw a used condom in the middle of a flyover. At this point, to be fair, my reaction leaped from the usual `Tsk tsk, litter in a public place' to `WHY ON A FLYOVER DUDE? WHY NOT A ROOM? WHO ARE YOU? BATMAN?' I wish I knew this earlier, but this love for littering doesn't really make us the smoothest of men.Can you ever imagine an Indian James Bond? “Shaken, not stirred“, he says, as he orders a drink that's not a martini. Sud denly , someone fires a shot. “Everybody get down“, he says from under the table, with a leg of butter chicken. He crawls out, throwing the half chewed piece of chicken on an unsuspecting stranger.
He looks for a gun in his car, but finds only one year old mall parking tickets. He revs up the car, but gets stuck in traffic. Stressed, he chews his paan masala and in a cool flourish, spits out the red juice in a trajectory that Harbhajan Singh would be proud of.
Yup, can't imagine.
Which is probably why religion was the best idea in this country . Because, at least, in the few square yards that people worship in, they keep it clean, lest they invite the wrath of Kali, or the rath of Advani, depending on who they are.
There's no easy way to say this, but what we need is a Ajit Ninan revolution. We need to clean up everything filthy, from our homes to Virat Kohli's mouth. And if our moms were a part of the problem, our girlfriendswiveslovers will be a part of the solution. In a nationwide survey conducted by a top research agency that I just made up, 82% of Indian bachelors clean their rooms only when expecting a female guest. Our moms love us unconditionally, but our girlfriends have a scorpion tattooed on their lower back. If you don't behave yourself, they'll sting. And the next time you don't screw the toothpaste cap properly, you know who will be. So, brothers, good luck getting clean and getting lucky, in no particular order.
I, for one, have quashed all hopes of attracting a suitable mate after this piece. Because every girl now knows I leave the towel on the bathroom floor. But WAIT...on the flip side, their dads are sure to be on my side.
The writer is a Delhi-based standup comic
Yes, we Indian men are litterbugs. But none of it is our fault. To begin with, it's our moms' fault. Out of all the overwhelming love in their hearts, they picked up the towel the first time we left it on the floor. Later, we just threw in the towel and moved on to more life-altering things like trigonometry . And our dads, also Indian men by sheer coincidence, never cared about towels. They were too busy working hard to put food on the table. Even if they never actually helped out in putting food on the table.
Let's face it, we love creating a mess and letting our moms do the cleaning up. Look at Rahul Gandhi's career and you'll see what I mean. In sharp contrast, there's Narendra Modi's `Swachh Bhaarat' drive. You think he could've done it while living with his mom? No way! Chances are, if the old lady got wind of it even now, she'd be like `Haaye how can mera baccha carry a broom?!' Yes, there are tissues, half-eaten burgers, pizza boxes and empty Coke bottles just round every corner. But that, again, is not our fault. As is fashionable to suggest these days, it's Manmohan Singh's fault. Why did he have to allow liberalization that brought these western fast-food chains that spoilt Indian culture, Indian roads and Indian crows' digestive systems?
But that's not even the worst of it. The other day , during my morning run, I saw a used condom in the middle of a flyover. At this point, to be fair, my reaction leaped from the usual `Tsk tsk, litter in a public place' to `WHY ON A FLYOVER DUDE? WHY NOT A ROOM? WHO ARE YOU? BATMAN?' I wish I knew this earlier, but this love for littering doesn't really make us the smoothest of men.Can you ever imagine an Indian James Bond? “Shaken, not stirred“, he says, as he orders a drink that's not a martini. Sud denly , someone fires a shot. “Everybody get down“, he says from under the table, with a leg of butter chicken. He crawls out, throwing the half chewed piece of chicken on an unsuspecting stranger.
He looks for a gun in his car, but finds only one year old mall parking tickets. He revs up the car, but gets stuck in traffic. Stressed, he chews his paan masala and in a cool flourish, spits out the red juice in a trajectory that Harbhajan Singh would be proud of.
Yup, can't imagine.
Which is probably why religion was the best idea in this country . Because, at least, in the few square yards that people worship in, they keep it clean, lest they invite the wrath of Kali, or the rath of Advani, depending on who they are.
There's no easy way to say this, but what we need is a Ajit Ninan revolution. We need to clean up everything filthy, from our homes to Virat Kohli's mouth. And if our moms were a part of the problem, our girlfriendswiveslovers will be a part of the solution. In a nationwide survey conducted by a top research agency that I just made up, 82% of Indian bachelors clean their rooms only when expecting a female guest. Our moms love us unconditionally, but our girlfriends have a scorpion tattooed on their lower back. If you don't behave yourself, they'll sting. And the next time you don't screw the toothpaste cap properly, you know who will be. So, brothers, good luck getting clean and getting lucky, in no particular order.
I, for one, have quashed all hopes of attracting a suitable mate after this piece. Because every girl now knows I leave the towel on the bathroom floor. But WAIT...on the flip side, their dads are sure to be on my side.
The writer is a Delhi-based standup comic
