the speaking tree - Ultimate Quest: Seeking The Guru Within
Vamsee K Juluri
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One Guru Purnima day, though i did not know it at that time, Sri Sathya Sai Baba returned responsibility for my growth to my own self. It was 1999, and a beautiful morning in Puttaparthi. As i recall, Bhimsen Joshi sang that day . I sat there, my just-defended PhD thesis in my hand, hoping Baba's darshan walk would bring him near where i was, praying he might even bless my work.It happened, suddenly and quickly .He stopped, he blessed, and by the time i opened my eyes again, he was gone, an orange deity in an ocean of white.
That feeling, and the gratitude, all remain. But that moment marked the end of one kind of relationship that i had been fortunate to have had with him. From the time i was in class 12 until the end of my PhD, Baba had been an intimate and central figure in my family . He guided us, encouraged us, and played a key role in my education. But that Guru Purnima day , i did not know that would be our last exchange. Then, in April 2011, the Sai world lost its irreplaceable centre.
We often hear gurus and elders urging us to follow the guru within, but perhaps it is only when we are confronted by the striking force of absence that this becomes a reality . For some, the physical absence of a person who was God and Guru can be something that is fixed through external adjustments; in the deity democracy that is India, we can promote one icon in the prayer-shrine over another perhaps. We might even find alternative mysticisms and beliefs, mediums and go-betweens who promise to us the intimacy and familiarity we once had with those who are gone. Sometimes it is desperation that sends us to the `gurus without', and it is not for us to judge it. But sometimes, it is also important to check our urge to run far from the source in search of something that is really right here at home. Sometimes, what seems like absence can even be the beginning of a new way of knowing its opposite altogether. After all, once our gurus are gone, it is really only up to those of us who had the fortune of knowing them, to explain what they were about, to those younger than us, and more importantly , living up to what they stood for before them too.
Baba's passing was my first experience of loss. He had been like a father, mother, an older brother, and most of all i had called him God. And all through, he had also been my Guru.I find it funny in retrospect that i did not go to Baba to learn about the meaning of life. That, in class 12, i was content exploring with The Beatles and Bob Dylan. I went only because my parents ordered me to come, and i thought i would do well in my exams if i prayed to him. Nothing was that simple, of course.
Today , i see Baba as God and Guru.I have also come to see the world and my place in it in a certain way because of his teachings. I cannot presume to explain him, much less to claim to speak for him. But he did do one thing clearly . He got me learning from the guru within long before i even knew there was one there.
(The writer is professor of Media Studies, University of San Francisco and author of `Rearming Hinduism'.)
That feeling, and the gratitude, all remain. But that moment marked the end of one kind of relationship that i had been fortunate to have had with him. From the time i was in class 12 until the end of my PhD, Baba had been an intimate and central figure in my family . He guided us, encouraged us, and played a key role in my education. But that Guru Purnima day , i did not know that would be our last exchange. Then, in April 2011, the Sai world lost its irreplaceable centre.
We often hear gurus and elders urging us to follow the guru within, but perhaps it is only when we are confronted by the striking force of absence that this becomes a reality . For some, the physical absence of a person who was God and Guru can be something that is fixed through external adjustments; in the deity democracy that is India, we can promote one icon in the prayer-shrine over another perhaps. We might even find alternative mysticisms and beliefs, mediums and go-betweens who promise to us the intimacy and familiarity we once had with those who are gone. Sometimes it is desperation that sends us to the `gurus without', and it is not for us to judge it. But sometimes, it is also important to check our urge to run far from the source in search of something that is really right here at home. Sometimes, what seems like absence can even be the beginning of a new way of knowing its opposite altogether. After all, once our gurus are gone, it is really only up to those of us who had the fortune of knowing them, to explain what they were about, to those younger than us, and more importantly , living up to what they stood for before them too.
Baba's passing was my first experience of loss. He had been like a father, mother, an older brother, and most of all i had called him God. And all through, he had also been my Guru.I find it funny in retrospect that i did not go to Baba to learn about the meaning of life. That, in class 12, i was content exploring with The Beatles and Bob Dylan. I went only because my parents ordered me to come, and i thought i would do well in my exams if i prayed to him. Nothing was that simple, of course.
Today , i see Baba as God and Guru.I have also come to see the world and my place in it in a certain way because of his teachings. I cannot presume to explain him, much less to claim to speak for him. But he did do one thing clearly . He got me learning from the guru within long before i even knew there was one there.
(The writer is professor of Media Studies, University of San Francisco and author of `Rearming Hinduism'.)
