the speaking tree - Are You Someone Who Can Never Say `No'?
Marguerite Theophil
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A precious teaching came from a woman i recently met, who told me she had learnt never to say `yes' unless she could say it wholeheartedly. I found this such a good lesson to pass on, as there are so many who find it almost impossible to say `no'.It's not that these are always loving and compassionate types; they do agree and say `yes' to everything at first, but then often end up fiercely resenting those who asked, and resenting themselves even more! There is nothing wrong actually there is everything right with saying `yes' to what you need, like, or care about. Sometimes `yes' involves a bit of sacrifice but you are willing to accept that.
We are talking here of those who just can't bring themselves to say `no' ever and end up with an inordinate load of other people's wishes and needs to fulfil. If they don't say `yes' at once, often the other person will come up with highly persuasive reasons which make them feel they are selfish, uncaring, ungrateful, mean, illogical, irresponsible or whatever. They don't want to feel any of these things, so say they `yes' and regret that later! As time goes by, it can cause them to backtrack, make excuses, and even lie bringing on those unwelcome feelings of guilt and shame. In the long run, unfortunately, they get a reputation for being unreliable or uncaring, labels that they were avoiding in the first place! If this mode of behaviour describes you a simple way through all the guilt and manipulation is to have a clear personal rule that you will only say `yes' under these circumstances: when you can say it sincerely , out of your own interest, according to your own wishes, understanding clearly what is involved, if you genuinely wish to be of help to others, or to get involved in what will bring you learning or joy .
When you say `no' to something, you often mean `yes' to something else.
Think about it. Saying `no' to commitments that you know you can't manage is saying `yes' to handling well whatever you are currently committed to. Saying `no' to things you are really not interested in is a `yes' for giving time to those that interest you. Saying `no' to lethargy is saying `yes' to more energy in your life.
Saying `yes' or `no' needs you to reflect.
In no way am i offering you a cop-out, where you say `no' to everything. Sometimes you may not initially want to or be able to acquiesce to a request but on reflection, may feel you can or should. After examining the issue, summon the wholehearted `yes'.
Saying `yes' calls for discernment; there is no rule that fits every situation.
For instance if someone calls you and asks if you could be on some committee, or to give a talk or to join a group when faced with any such decision, ask yourself: “Could i do this wholeheartedly?“ Now be aware of your self-talk which might go: I really don't want to but somehow feel that i ought to; maybe i'd be letting the other person down; maybe they will think less of me. Or it might be: I don't think i have the skills; i am afraid; maybe i'm not capable.
In the first scenario, you just know it is not and will never be a wholehearted `yes'. But in the second case, you might like to find the courage to say an initial hesitant `yes' that could well develop into a wholehearted `yes'.
We are talking here of those who just can't bring themselves to say `no' ever and end up with an inordinate load of other people's wishes and needs to fulfil. If they don't say `yes' at once, often the other person will come up with highly persuasive reasons which make them feel they are selfish, uncaring, ungrateful, mean, illogical, irresponsible or whatever. They don't want to feel any of these things, so say they `yes' and regret that later! As time goes by, it can cause them to backtrack, make excuses, and even lie bringing on those unwelcome feelings of guilt and shame. In the long run, unfortunately, they get a reputation for being unreliable or uncaring, labels that they were avoiding in the first place! If this mode of behaviour describes you a simple way through all the guilt and manipulation is to have a clear personal rule that you will only say `yes' under these circumstances: when you can say it sincerely , out of your own interest, according to your own wishes, understanding clearly what is involved, if you genuinely wish to be of help to others, or to get involved in what will bring you learning or joy .
When you say `no' to something, you often mean `yes' to something else.
Think about it. Saying `no' to commitments that you know you can't manage is saying `yes' to handling well whatever you are currently committed to. Saying `no' to things you are really not interested in is a `yes' for giving time to those that interest you. Saying `no' to lethargy is saying `yes' to more energy in your life.
Saying `yes' or `no' needs you to reflect.
In no way am i offering you a cop-out, where you say `no' to everything. Sometimes you may not initially want to or be able to acquiesce to a request but on reflection, may feel you can or should. After examining the issue, summon the wholehearted `yes'.
Saying `yes' calls for discernment; there is no rule that fits every situation.
For instance if someone calls you and asks if you could be on some committee, or to give a talk or to join a group when faced with any such decision, ask yourself: “Could i do this wholeheartedly?“ Now be aware of your self-talk which might go: I really don't want to but somehow feel that i ought to; maybe i'd be letting the other person down; maybe they will think less of me. Or it might be: I don't think i have the skills; i am afraid; maybe i'm not capable.
In the first scenario, you just know it is not and will never be a wholehearted `yes'. But in the second case, you might like to find the courage to say an initial hesitant `yes' that could well develop into a wholehearted `yes'.
