It's What Happens To You That Makes You Real
Marguerite Theophil
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From an old children's book by Margery Williams, The Velveteen Rabbit, we learn wonderful lessons about maturing, about being okay as you are, about the importance of being acknowledged and loved, and yet, how the rewards of all this cannot come without its costs.The Velveteen Rabbit is a “really splendid, fat and bunchy rabbit“ with a brown and white coat, real thread whiskers, and ears lined with pink satin a gift in a Christmas stocking for a little boy . “For at least two hours,“ the boy loved him, yet later in the day , in the excitement of unwrapping many other new presents, Rabbit was set aside. He then lived neglected in the toy cupboard.Being made of simple velveteen, some of the more flashy and expensive toys, specially the mechanical ones, ignored him or made fun of him.
Re-reading the book so many years later, I am taken more with the wisdom of the old Skin Horse, a toy so old and worn out that, “His brown coat was bald in patches, and most of the hairs in his long tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces.“
There is a beautiful conversation between Velveteen Rabbit and Skin Horse filled with wisdom about “becoming Real“. A sad and puzzled Rabbit asks Horse about what this Real is; if it means having things that whirr, buzz and move or having a stick-out handle.
Skin Horse explains that Real isn't about how you are made, but is something that happens to you: “When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real.“
This is when Rabbit asks an important question: “Does it hurt?“ Skin Horse, always truthful, replies: “Sometimes,“ but explains that when one is Real one doesn't always mind some hurt.
“Does it happen all at once?“ Rabbit wants to know, “or bit by bit?“ Not all at once, the Skin Horse declares, “You become. It takes a long time.“ And then he wisely points out that this is why it rarely happens to those toys or people “who break easily , or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.“ By the time you are Real, he cautions Rabbit, it's likely most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop and you get loose in the joints and very shabby . But these things don't matter at all because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.
Rabbit longs to become Real, and yet wishes he could become Real without these uncomfort able things happening to him. Just like all of us! Without truly understanding and practising the lessons of self-acceptance, of loving and being loved, hand ling hurts and disappointments, of building resilience, accepting and the ups and downs of a naturally lived life, we are like the ones Horse says don't grow Real those who break easily , or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.
Poet-philosopher David Whyte reminds us, maturity , rather than a static arrived platform, where life is viewed from a calm, untouched oasis of wisdom, is a “living elemental frontier“ demanding the ability , despite our grief and losses, to courageously inhabit what has already happened, what is happening now and how this is all first imagined and then lived into a waiting future.
We grow, and grow real, through our own efforts and understanding over time, through the recognition, love and support of others, and mostly , through our willingness to be open and vulnerable.
Re-reading the book so many years later, I am taken more with the wisdom of the old Skin Horse, a toy so old and worn out that, “His brown coat was bald in patches, and most of the hairs in his long tail had been pulled out to string bead necklaces.“
There is a beautiful conversation between Velveteen Rabbit and Skin Horse filled with wisdom about “becoming Real“. A sad and puzzled Rabbit asks Horse about what this Real is; if it means having things that whirr, buzz and move or having a stick-out handle.
Skin Horse explains that Real isn't about how you are made, but is something that happens to you: “When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but really loves you, then you become Real.“
This is when Rabbit asks an important question: “Does it hurt?“ Skin Horse, always truthful, replies: “Sometimes,“ but explains that when one is Real one doesn't always mind some hurt.
“Does it happen all at once?“ Rabbit wants to know, “or bit by bit?“ Not all at once, the Skin Horse declares, “You become. It takes a long time.“ And then he wisely points out that this is why it rarely happens to those toys or people “who break easily , or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.“ By the time you are Real, he cautions Rabbit, it's likely most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop and you get loose in the joints and very shabby . But these things don't matter at all because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.
Rabbit longs to become Real, and yet wishes he could become Real without these uncomfort able things happening to him. Just like all of us! Without truly understanding and practising the lessons of self-acceptance, of loving and being loved, hand ling hurts and disappointments, of building resilience, accepting and the ups and downs of a naturally lived life, we are like the ones Horse says don't grow Real those who break easily , or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept.
Poet-philosopher David Whyte reminds us, maturity , rather than a static arrived platform, where life is viewed from a calm, untouched oasis of wisdom, is a “living elemental frontier“ demanding the ability , despite our grief and losses, to courageously inhabit what has already happened, what is happening now and how this is all first imagined and then lived into a waiting future.
We grow, and grow real, through our own efforts and understanding over time, through the recognition, love and support of others, and mostly , through our willingness to be open and vulnerable.
