MY BAD - There's a reason this column is called My Bad
In which Aakar Patel locates his 'humerus'
Last night I dreamt I went today?“ to Mahatmaji again.He looked up from over his glasses, still working on his charkha and said: “You're back?
What do you want to do I said, “Let's do a quiz so that we can do timepass and learn something also.“
He said, “All right. US presidents from Obama to Washington?
Sallu's filmography? Countries and capitals and currencies?“ I said that was too difficult and we should do some new stuff.Something less trivial. He gave that a thought and said: “Tell me, who do you think is the biggest double dholki?“ I said, “You mean someone who plays two tunes on the same drum.Saying one thing and doing another?“ Yes, he said, who was the worst of them all?
That's too easy, I said, it's our modern netas. He paused and said, “All right. But why are they double dholkis?“ I explained to Bapu that times were different now. There was no sense of service and leaders were vile. They made sweet talk but acted otherwise. They shouted on about protecting farmers but helped their Jijaji in his land grab.They spoke soothingly of only development but rewarded those who spewed poison. They talked of probity but kept returning to office even after being convicted! “Can you believe it, Bapu?“ Bapu nodded. “That sounds bad. Anyone else?“ Popular figures, I said, our screen stars, who do a dance and song about being human but are most inhuman to victims and the weak.They are villains pretending to be heroes.
Bapu rubbed his palm over his pate and said, “Really? It's difficult to be a bigger double dholki than that, I would say“.
“It gets worse!“ I said, fully charged now. “The biggest double dholkis are the grassroots movements that promise Swaraj but become dictatorial. Their slogan should be, `Hum AAP ke hain con',“ I said, adding “Ha ha,“ delighted that in one joke I had managed to insert the two frauds Kejri and Sallu.
Bapu did not understand so he just looked at me while fingering the wheel. I was on a roll so I carried on. “Then there are the cricket wallahs. Operating in a field that requires sporting spirit but are actually all sold out and totally lacking in integrity.“
Bapu stopped his work and looked down. “So who is the worst of these? The one most responsible.“
I said they were all equally bad and I couldn't judge.
“Let me put it another way,“ he said. “Who facilitates these people? Who gives them agency?“ I didn't understand what that meant. He said, “Do you know why our public toilets are so dirty?“ That's easy, I said, because the workers don't clean them. “No,“ he said, “they are dirty because they are left that way. Do you know by whom?“ Now I was unsure but I told it was all those bad people.But who were they? I couldn't name anyone specific. Was it my neighbour Kanu?
My brow furrowed in confusion.
Bapu said, “You see, the biggest double dholki is the one who is complicit in all the things you have named.Whether in getting a hypocritical leader elected, or in patronising the work of a criminal star, or in supporting a corrupt enterprise that hosts the biggest tournament. It is obvious to me that the biggest double dholki in all this is...“
At this point the Mirror vendor rang the bell, and I woke up.Dammit! Just when Bapu was about to name the main culprit.
Anyway, I must remember to ask him next time. Oh, and also maybe we'll do the Sallu quiz. Or IPL winners.
What do you want to do I said, “Let's do a quiz so that we can do timepass and learn something also.“
He said, “All right. US presidents from Obama to Washington?
Sallu's filmography? Countries and capitals and currencies?“ I said that was too difficult and we should do some new stuff.Something less trivial. He gave that a thought and said: “Tell me, who do you think is the biggest double dholki?“ I said, “You mean someone who plays two tunes on the same drum.Saying one thing and doing another?“ Yes, he said, who was the worst of them all?
That's too easy, I said, it's our modern netas. He paused and said, “All right. But why are they double dholkis?“ I explained to Bapu that times were different now. There was no sense of service and leaders were vile. They made sweet talk but acted otherwise. They shouted on about protecting farmers but helped their Jijaji in his land grab.They spoke soothingly of only development but rewarded those who spewed poison. They talked of probity but kept returning to office even after being convicted! “Can you believe it, Bapu?“ Bapu nodded. “That sounds bad. Anyone else?“ Popular figures, I said, our screen stars, who do a dance and song about being human but are most inhuman to victims and the weak.They are villains pretending to be heroes.
Bapu rubbed his palm over his pate and said, “Really? It's difficult to be a bigger double dholki than that, I would say“.
“It gets worse!“ I said, fully charged now. “The biggest double dholkis are the grassroots movements that promise Swaraj but become dictatorial. Their slogan should be, `Hum AAP ke hain con',“ I said, adding “Ha ha,“ delighted that in one joke I had managed to insert the two frauds Kejri and Sallu.
Bapu did not understand so he just looked at me while fingering the wheel. I was on a roll so I carried on. “Then there are the cricket wallahs. Operating in a field that requires sporting spirit but are actually all sold out and totally lacking in integrity.“
Bapu stopped his work and looked down. “So who is the worst of these? The one most responsible.“
I said they were all equally bad and I couldn't judge.
“Let me put it another way,“ he said. “Who facilitates these people? Who gives them agency?“ I didn't understand what that meant. He said, “Do you know why our public toilets are so dirty?“ That's easy, I said, because the workers don't clean them. “No,“ he said, “they are dirty because they are left that way. Do you know by whom?“ Now I was unsure but I told it was all those bad people.But who were they? I couldn't name anyone specific. Was it my neighbour Kanu?
My brow furrowed in confusion.
Bapu said, “You see, the biggest double dholki is the one who is complicit in all the things you have named.Whether in getting a hypocritical leader elected, or in patronising the work of a criminal star, or in supporting a corrupt enterprise that hosts the biggest tournament. It is obvious to me that the biggest double dholki in all this is...“
At this point the Mirror vendor rang the bell, and I woke up.Dammit! Just when Bapu was about to name the main culprit.
Anyway, I must remember to ask him next time. Oh, and also maybe we'll do the Sallu quiz. Or IPL winners.
